Why I can’t be mad at him.

I write to clear my mind.

I wrote this a long time ago. (circa June 24, 2018)

Posted it, and took it done. Posted it again, and took it back down.

But I’m sharing it again because after this summer I don’t want to hide my feelings anymore. I don’t want to pretend to be strong when I’m feeling weak, or construct myself as perfect when I’m the complete opposite.

I took it down because I was worried that the person who this poem was written about would think that I cared about them or would think that I was hurt by how things ended. And the truth is I did care, and I was hurt— and that’s okay.

I'm not sad about the situation any more -(Shoutout to "Luv Back"--by Jasmine Sullivan, late night runs to clear my mind, and random dance breaks through New York--- for helping me get out of my feelings).

In fact, I happy I met that person because they taught me two valuable lessons.

1) You reap what you sow.

I tried to act like I didn't care as much as I did, waited for him to text me first, and fell back when I thought I would get hurt ---and I got the same thing in return.

How could I except someone to be all about me, if I didn't put that same energy in?

And yes by falling too deep for someone you run the risk of getting hurt, and not everyone deserves your everything, but I refuse to have a cynical view of finding that someone.

At the end of the day, all I can do is be myself. Myself loves hard and sees the best in everyone, because if I worried about controlling others I would be setting myself up for disappointment.

*TRIGGER WARNING* Unpopular Opinion--- I don't agree with the "Ni*gas ain't sh*t" energy. The truth is people don't come into your life, YOU allow them into your life. Don't blame others if you allow their toxic energy to infect yours.

2) I got played by my own game.

Like I said, I tried to play hard to get, act like I didn't care, and lowkey be petty-- and that ish backfired.

So while I was mad at him for not being who I wanted him to be, I also wasn't transparent about my emotions either. If you're playing games right now, just know that switch can always flip.

Amarachi. Ama. Amalive

I got attached too quickly.

Suddenly, I had begun to place my expectations of what he should be doing on him.

Hoping he was more than, and making excuses for what he showed me.

But the truth is, I can’t be mad at him.

Because if I had based my expectations off of what he had shown me, and not on what I wanted to see, I would have known that we were looking for two different things.

I would’ve known to keep my guard up and my emotions low, not because there is anything wrong with opening your heart to others, but because not everyone deserves access to your heart.

Like a fog, infatuation clouded my judgement, making it hard for me to differentiate with whether I liked him or the idea of us.

And even when I decided that I should fall back, I still longed for him to call back. But inside I knew things shouldn’t feel like this. This heavy, this insecure, this one-sided.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is make the right decision for yourself.