When I think about my future there are a few words that come to mind; fulfilled, healthy, secure, dynamic. I see myself living a life where I'm excited to wake up each day, surrounded by opportunities to grow, and able to experience the world. However, when I think about my future my mind is also inundated with question marks, my lungs swell with anxiety, and I quickly fall into a state of panic because there are so many things that I'm unsure of.
I'm a sophomore now. I've had any entire year to figure it out.
I'm supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life by now. But I don't.
That thing that makes me feel fulfilled and excited- I don't know what it is.
Maybe it makes me excited, but it won't put food on the table. Maybe when I'm doing that thing I feel on top of the world, but I won't be able to find a job after college. Maybe when I'm doing that thing, the world makes sense, but it won't make my parents proud. I have this internal dialogue with myself frequently, constantly wondering how the decisions I make today will impact my entire future. I look at everyone around me working towards their goals, filled with purpose, running a race with a finish line- and I'm just kind of floating around.
However, what scares me more than not knowing what I want to do with my future, is the thought of settling. Settling for some 9-5 because that's what I'm supposed to do next. Waking up and not feeling excited about what I do everyday. Living out someone else's dreams and not my own. That terrifies me.
In an attempt to figure out my life, I've asked a lot of people for advice. Some have told me that it's just a job and not everyone is lucky enough to do what they love everyday, and that I can find purpose in other areas of my life.
But I refuse to buy into the idea that work is just work.
Because if I'm going to put my time and energy into something why shouldn't I find fulfillment in it. Many people would probably think my beliefs are idealistic, and I get that. Life isn't just a series of Instagram pictures of the beach and mocha lattes. Life is paying off student loans and putting a roof over my head. Those same people are probably the ones who would tell me to level my expectations- but I can't. I want to dream big, and achieve even bigger. I can't limit my expectations of the future to what others tell me is realistic or not, because if I don't dream big for myself no one will.
I think the most important piece of advice that I've been given is that life isn't perfect, and our journey is rarely as simple as a straight road. I view that as the most important piece of advice, not because it is revolutionary by any means, but because it reminds me that there are many trials and triumphs ahead of me. That the problems I have today won't be the same ones I have a year from now, or five years from now, or 10 years from now, and that even though everything seems so unsure at the moment it will all eventually work itself out.
I'll never forget this message I received from a sermon.
Our life is like a brick road except we can't see to the end of the street. Often times we find ourselves stuck and it and it feels like were not going anywhere, but it is not because we can't move forward, but because we refuse to take any steps unless we can see the results. We aren't willing to take any risk unless we know how things will pan out, and that why we aren't moving forward. But if we just had faith the size of a mustard seed. If we allowed God to light the path of our lives one step at time, instead of depending on ourselves to figure it out, then he would take us farther than we could imagine.
So to answer the question, "What do you want to do with your life?" I honestly don't know, and I'm okay with that. I'm human, not perfect. My time is coming. I serve a God too great to believe anything less than that. So until I have a clearer idea of my future, I'm just taking one step at a time, stressing less about the future and living more in the moment.
Amarachi. Ama. Amalive